Sovereign Thinking

We tend to pour everything out to a soulmate and expect them to understand it all and help us work through it. I argue that mental self-reliance should come first: think through a problem as fully as you can on your own, even if your partner or friend is nearly perfect. I admit I have failed at this in the name of intimacy, sharing many half-formed worries with people who love me.

Soulmates can be anxious, and your own anxiety can spill over onto them. They also have limits. They may struggle to grasp or expand on your ideas, they may not be optimal at all times in talking things through, or they may simply have their own concerns. What you need is not an echo chamber that validates you and limits you from being that long living butterfly.

The pitfalls of sharing too soon play out constantly in the group chat, where one person’s doubt becomes everyone’s opinion. Parents can be biased, and they lack the new knowledge you have. And if you vent about your parents to your partner, it can come back to bite you later.

So, what do you do when mind is overheated? How do you think for yourself?

Write it all down. This is a practice, not a talent. Synthesize it and examine the spokes from every angle. If you share your struggles with others before your thinking has matured, and you sound doubtful, others will steer you their way, which may not serve you well. Draw on your inner strength while honestly addressing your weaknesses. Weaknesses are acceptable, provided they are balanced by enough strengths.

Neuroscience points to perspective taking as the key to sorting this out: situational awareness, reading the room, grasping the context, and sizing up the people involved.

Inner strength comes from reframing with your prefrontal cortex. How do you do that? By writing out your solution, as described above.

If you do not reframe your thinking into a tangible path, you risk a slippery slope. You cannot stay siloed.

The bottom line is thinking for yourself. It is a truly powerful skill.