Modern Psychiatry: Letting the Person See the Person

We need to know the difference between selfing and benevolent facilitation.

Selfing is truly unfortunate when empathy is lacking, and people sink into their own story, ignoring what is being presented to them. It can feel as though those who are selfing need attention, whether from a hole in their psyche, fragility, or even callousness. I feel uneasy even writing this about anyone.

In my dictionary, this must be distinguished from the times when a clinician or a friend opens up about their own vulnerabilities in a charitable way, to draw out the story of someone who is trying to express themselves, is inhibited, or simply lacks psychological literacy. Such a person may benefit from mirroring in the right context. It is opening the door without stealing the stage. This applies to all conversations or shorter treatment sessions, and of course not in psychoanalysis as we know it.

A quick way to introduce the commonality of human experience matters a great deal. It takes empathy, enough space, and the opportunity for people to express themselves while you are a true human alongside them rather than a supercilious psychiatrist. Take a teen with a disabled sibling who insists her life is perfect despite yet-to-unpack struggles. I might say something like, “Hey, I too had a sister who was blind growing up. I understand the mixed feelings of compassion, survivor guilt, and disappointment in life. I get it.” You do not always need to donate your own information or evangelize about it, but on occasion it is a quick, matter-of-fact way to draw someone out. It is not a cardinal sin.

The rigid blank-slate approach, with its habit of never exposing anything and painfully deflecting, is a tedious enigma in my books. The bottom line is what it takes for the person in front of you to feel better.