When Help Fans the Flames

One of my pet peeves is watching friends- girlfriends, guy friends, and sometimes well-meaning young advisors, especially those carrying their own trauma from past abusive relationships- egg on partners who simply needed to vent. You come to them for an ear. Instead, they build you up without ever considering the full picture: that your partner may be extraordinary in a thousand ways, yet temporarily falling short on attention because of a demanding season at work, a lapse in self-awareness, or anxiety quietly manifesting as irritability.

What you’re often looking at is a communication gap. A small behavior that needs a gentle course correction — not a wholesale “partner revamp” that plants seeds of doubt where there should be patience and understanding. Real friendship means helping someone navigate a difficult moment or a recurring pattern with wisdom, not rallying them toward resentment.

The big picture matters. Calculate the risk. Reflect on the past, imagine the future, and count the many blessings woven between the hard moments. And always- always – check your own biases before you open your mouth to advise.

I was so glad when I finally heard someone voice what I’ve believed for years. Dr. Terry Real puts it beautifully: we need to train our friends to understand what we actually need. You are not looking for personal empowerment- you are venting for support. If you don’t tell people what you’re looking for, you risk walking away feeling incensed at the very people you love most, and creating unnecessary turmoil in a life that deserves peace.

Patience is a comfort blanket. Life can be consciously designed. Find the right people – I’ve been saying this for forty years.

And here is perhaps the most important principle of all: the 70-30 rule. If your partner is, roughly speaking, 70% good- kind, present, trying- you can work with that. You can grow together. Anything significantly less than that, and the honest truth is the choosing itself needed more discernment. So learn to see others with compassion, and here, it is your partner. Lead with your most humane qualities. Tend your relationships the way you would a garden- with love, patience, and intention.

This is not the automatic kind of love that bursts from a fire hose. It is something far more beautiful: a gentle, growing understanding that builds endearing, tender bonds where giving and receiving flow naturally — whether you keep score or not.

Love your life. Create circles of joy.