People Pleasing: Bending without Breaking

My fMRI mentor, John (Dr. Sweeney), a kind and genius neuroscientist, taught me nearly everything I know about brain function models. He used to be amused when I’d stand up to greet him whenever he walked into my office, back in the day. He was used to junior colleagues staying seated in their chair, continuing the banter. Maybe it was my East-meets-West upbringing. Or maybe it’s just the biology of me being a sweet soul with a steel spine (hey, humoring here!).

I used to give John an earful that it isn’t all bad being nice, hang on, actually, being kind and thoughtful! It’s a useful tool, I thought, I think. Perceptions matter.

I believe people-pleasing is a good trait, as long as it doesn’t come laced with resentment or depletion, and instead earns a boatload of goodwill for all the right and well-intentioned reasons.

People pleasers are the way they are for many reasons. Some are naturally kind by temperament. Others were raised in a family culture that valued politeness and helpfulness, polished further by etiquette classes, or shaped by the adjustments of moving across cultures, countries, and schools. And for some, it runs deeper- rooted in trauma, where bending over backwards becomes a way of identifying with those who’ve been hurt. At that point, it stops being a personality quirk and becomes a social justice issue. That said, even that is good in right proportion.

I think of people-pleasing as existing on a spectrum with biological, situational, and, in more serious cases, traumatic roots. Here’s how I’d break it down, viewed from the top of the tree:

• OK– if it serves you and others, fostering genuine congeniality. That’s a good thing.
• Not OK– if it leaves you resentful afterward.
• Not OK– if it leaves you depleted.
• Not OK- if it opens the door to being taken advantage of, especially without insight, because that can come back to bite you.

I want us to think about these nuances rather than label people-pleasing as simply “good” or “bad.” It isn’t inherently dysfunctional, but watch out for being taken for granted if you’re not in the company of people who actually know your worth.

So, I doubled down and coined an acronym: G.A.L.– Graceful, Affectionate, and Listen. Why not please- where it matters?